I Can't Believe This Is How I Spend My Time
Following on the unwanted heels of parts one and two, I expand the list as follows.
The Sigher
You'd think this is the same as The Groaner, but oh, you'd be wrong. The Groaner elicits full-on throaty growling while he urinates, but The Sigher is much more discreet. While standing before the stall, he'll let out a light sigh, just shy of a moan, and it's genuinely unnerving. Tony, the old man in my office, is a constant sigher, and I'm always worried that the next sigh I hear will be a death rattle.
The Scouter
The Scouter is a crafty public pisser, especially when it comes to the office restroom. If he's looking for a stall, and at least one is occupied, he'll bolt and continue searching for a toilet not in use. The urinals are a different matter: If there are walls between the urinals, then The Scouter will usually use one regardless of whether the others are occupied. But if there are no walls, he might deem the proposition too risky.
The Reader
Many men will take a magazine to the stall, but it's another kind of man altogether that takes reading material on a urinal trip. I've seen it done, too. This guy stood there with a Sports Illustrated in one hand while peeing with the other. I like Rick Reilly as much as the next guy, but seriously, nothing's that compelling.
The Horse Whisperer
This guy can't finish the job of urinating without making little passive-aggressive noises in an effort to get his body to stop the flow. It's not uncommon to be stanidng next to him and hear "hut hut" as he's wrapping up.
The Conference Caller
Simple: This is the guy who answers his phone while at the urinal, which we've all done, since there's something inherently satisfying about the multitasking, not to mention the minor challenge of digging your phone out of your pants without letting them fall while maintaining a constant stream and avoiding a mess. The ballsier Conference Caller will actually place calls while in the bathroom, as if the acoustics and space to think are what he really needed to motivate him to do business by phone.
[Many thanks to The Oldest Guy I Know for assistance with the last two items on the list.]
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