A Letter From HR
Daniel,
First of all, how's it going? It's hard to believe you've been here for almost two years now. Who could have predicted when I interviewed you that there would be so many managerial and staff changes?
Speaking of staff, your supervisor, D——, asked me to speak with you, but as I will be out of the office next week, I'm opting to send you an email instead of holding a more formal meeting in my office. You should still consider this a verbal warning, though. D—— has brought it to my attention that your behavior of late has been a little off. Specifically, he says he has witnessed you performing the following:
• You softly sing the chorus of Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" when our most recent hire walks by your desk, a girl you have described (rather ill-advisedly) in intraoffice emails as "cute enough to kidnap." Needless to say, this is inappropriate, as are the jokes among coworkers using seemingly innocuous terms like "teabag," the meaning of which was made horribly clear to me when I Googled it this morning.
• You have occasionally worn flip-flops, despite the fact that company dress code forbids men from wearing open-toed shoes, and have also been seen slipping them off to walk around in your bare feet. This is a violation of corporate policy, as is your habit of rubbing your feet vigorously against the carpet to "grunge out the sweat," as you've been heard to say.
• You go out of your way to work the word "balls" into conversations with management, which, though humorous in an after-hours or weekend setting, is discouraged at the office.
• You used a pica pole to scratch your chode during the most recent office-wide meeting.
• Finally, instead of coping with our parking difficulties as we have done by allowing the garage attendants to double-park your car and retain your keys, you have simply begun hurling cinderblocks through the windows of cars in reserved spaces. This will not stand.
Needless to say, we still heartily value your skills and the contributions you bring to a team that has been functioning stronger than ever in recent months. But these behavioral lapses are just plain unacceptable. I understand that this time of year is stressful on all of us, especially employees like yourself who have not yet worked their way up the ladder of opportunity to a survivable wage. Feel free to swing by my office next week, when we can discuss these matters in greater detail.
Sincerely,
M——
Director of Human Resources
Comments: 13
I'm sorry to admit this but I don't quite get this:
You used a pica pole to scratch your chode during the most recent office-wide meeting
Also, typo (yeah I know, I'm correcting a blog, but you do write/edit for a living) "office next weel" should be week
You used a pica pole to scratch your chode during the most recent office-wide meeting.
I can deduce that the above was an inappropriate action to perform in public. Even so, can you tell us the definitions of both "pica pole" and "chode"?
...employees like yourself who have not yet worked their way up the ladder of opportunity to a survivable wage.
I feel you, buddy. :|
Steve: I love you. I knew other journalism folks would get it.
Brian, Bianca: A pica pole is a metal ruler used for newspaper page layout. Here's an explanation of picas:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pica_%28unit_of_measure%29
And "chode" is just another (better) word for "taint." I'll leave it at that.
My co-workers at the Inky who have been here since dinosaurs and linotypes claim that the pica pole is a multi-use instrument and should not be relegated to just measuring things. I have seen said co-workers stir their coffee, scratch their various 'parts', pick their respective noses with the pica stick. Not to mention it makes a great sword during faux medieval battles on slow ad days.
Thanks, Dan. And, ew. I hope that meeting was on Casual Friday.
Is this real? Does Royce Money know?
Thanks. I think I was better off not knowing
as far as i knew "taint" meant taint, but "chode" was just your plain old trouser snake.
Chode (def) - the useless realestate located between your two functional zones at the bottoim of your torso
Dan,
I'm a friend of Sarah's (we worked together at IJM). I've been reading your blog for a while as I thoroughly enjoy your wit and Veronica Mars commentary, but this was so funny that I just had to comment. This is probably one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. Keep 'em coming.
Courtney
"cute enough to kidnap"
Dan - though i don't know you, my good friend often sends me your blog for laughs. i'll diverge from the pica pole chatter and say that my mother (yes, my mother) recently had the phrase "teabagging" deciphered to her in my presence and my boyfriend just wikapedia'd it as well...good times.
Hmm, I've only seen the pilot episode of Veronica Mars, I stumbled accross your blog searching for people's thoughts on how it all progresses, wierd timing with it being cancelled and all but I'm glad I popped by, seems we have a few things in common ... :)
Within this hilarious post as well as:
"If you watched enough A, B & C, you would understand me completely, and you'd also realize that much of my worldview and philosophical insights are heavily influenced by fictional works/programs, and many of the good things I've said in my life are just a regurgitation of someone else's imaginings."
"Use a pica pole to scratch your chode."
Funniest thing I've read in a long, long time.
May 10, 2007 4:31 AM